If I Can't Love Him
by PurpleSummer
Summary: Dalton!Verse. Logan is told about Julian's stalker and his intention to leave Dalton for good. JOGAN


**DISCLAIMER:** As much as I wish I did, I do _not_ own Derek, Julian or Logan. They all belong to the more than amazing **CP Coulter**. Oh, and I don't own "If I Can't Love Her" from "The Beauty and the Beast" too.

**IF I CAN'T LOVE HIM**

The moment Derek stormed in Logan's room, Logan had the odd feeling something bad had happened. A couple of minutes later, when he entered the common room and saw Julian's face, he knew it.

"Tell him," demanded Derek, looking severely at Julian.

Before Logan could ask what the hell was going on, Julian gave him a brief, almost frightened look as he got paler than he already was.

"No," he said.

"Listen, if you don't tell him, _I_ will. He should know."

"Excuse me?" said Logan angrily. "Can anyone just explain? What's the matter with you and... _what the hell is that suitcase supposed to mean_?" he added, suddenly noticing. He stared at Julian in disbelief. "Jules, are you leaving?"

"That's... well, that's really none of your business," Julian answered coldly, avoiding Logan's eyes. "Anyway, I was going to LA to shoot a movie tonight. But-"

Before Julian could say he wasn't going anywhere anymore, Logan snapped "What? Were you _at least_ going to say goodbye or was I to discover you were gone tomorrow morning?"

"What do you care?" Julian screamed back. "You don't-"

"Stop it, Jules. You're being ridiculous!" Derek cut him off. "Tell him, or I'll do it."

Julian just crossed his arms over his chest, staring at the floor with angry eyes.

Derek waited for a minute, then just rolled his eyes.

"Very well," he said. "Logan, we have a problem. One hell of a problem. A stalker has been threatening Julian for a while. But it's getting worse now and..."

Logan stared in horror as Derek was telling him about the letters Julian had been receiving, about Julian - _his_ Julian, his _best friend_ - being threaten to _death_. When Derek started talking about blood, roses and photos in front of Stuart's door, Logan decided it was more than enough.

"Ok, that's it -_ that's it_!" Logan said furiously, turning to Julian. "_Why didn't you tell me_?"

"Why should I tell you?" Julian snapped back. "It's _my_ problem."

"It's _my_ problem too if some psycho threatens you!"

"Really? Why is that?"

_Because you're my fucking friend_! Logan thought.

"If anything, because I'm Stuart's Prefect and I should know if someone's life's in danger here!" he said instead.

"Touching," Julian said coldly while Derek shook his head. "It is nice to know I mean so much to you."

"You know what I meant..."

"Yes, I know," agreed Julian, finally looking straight at Logan, his eyes full of rage and something else Logan couldn't name. "You meant you don't give a shit. You _never_ gave a shit. And you ask why I didn't tell you about my stalker or that I was leaving for good..."

"For _good_?" repeated Logan, clutching his fists as he felt anger growing inside his chest. "What the hell Jules?"

"Yeah, so what? _So what_? Would you have even noticed? I bet it would have taken you a month, maybe more. You would have been just too busy trying to get you precious little Hummel..."

"Leave Kurt alone, this is _not_ about him! It's about _you_ leaving _me_ without even bothering telling me!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Your Majesty," Julian said with a bitter smile. "Didn't mean to say anything wrong about your _love_."

"_What is your problem_?" Logan asked through his teeth.

"Don't you get it? It's _you_. You are my fucking problem!" Julian screamed, his eyes filling with tears.

Before anyone could say anything else, Julian ran out the room.

Logan took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"Well, _congratulation_!" Derek said angrily. "Are you satisfied?"

Logan turned around to face him, staring at him in anger and disbelief.

"Are you kidding me?" he said. "I didn't _do_ anything!"

"You don't get it, do you?" Derek asked.

"Don't get _what_?"

Derek could see Logan was about to explode.

"Look, Julian is under a lot of pressure here," he said more calmly. "And you are _not_ helping."

"What am I supposed to do?" Logan snapped. "He didn't tell me about the stalker, or that he was leaving for good. He clearly doesn't want me to be a part of his life. How am I supposed to help?"

"Well, you could start not bringing Kurt up in every conversation you two have," Derek suggested.

"_He_ brought him up!" Logan reminded him. He was not about to take the fault for something he didn't do. "And what does he care anyway?"

"Try and see it this way: when you fell for Blaine, Julian left. Then he came back and you had that thing with the second soloist and it was only a matter of weeks before he disappeared again. And now he's back again and you barely notice because you're too busy making up absurd plans to get Kurt, so he decides to leave for good. Does this make any sense to you?"

Logan stared at him for some moments. Then the realization came.

Derek swore he could see the very moment everything clicked together in Logan's head. He was not angry anymore, he look just... stunned. There, that was the right word. _Stunned_.

"Oh," Logan breathed looking at Derek without really seeing him.

He fell onto the coach while Derek was looking at him with a rather satisfied look on his face.

"Well, I'll go see if Jules needs anything," he said after a while. "But I'll be in my room."

Logan barely noticed when Derek walked away and closed the door behind him.

He stood up and went to the piano, sitting down on the stool.

His hands ran automatically through the keys, strumming random songs, his mind still refusing to think of anything but Julian.

_Julian_.

Did Derek really mean he...? But how could it be? Julian was not interested in him in the least and he was straight anyway, wasn't him?

But...

Was it possible that Julian had conveniently forgotten to share with him one tiny piece of information-like that he was bi? And was it possible that he was really in love with Logan, like Derek had suggested? Well, technically, he hadn't_ suggest_ anything... he just said something that led Logan to certain conclusions. Whatever. It didn't mattered.

But if Julian was in love with him... well, it did matter. Logan was not sure why it mattered so much, but it did. He sighed in frustration.

Ok, one of his best friends, who he always thought was straight may or may not be in love with him. What if he really was?

Were they going to be friends anyway? Logan doubted so.

So was Julian going to leave for good and never talk to Logan ever again? The very thought was unbearable.

Maybe... maybe could Logan love him back?

Logan had no answers.

He lifted his head, meeting his own gaze in the mirror hung on the wall in front of him. He was a mess. His face was and odd mix of anger, confusion and shock, his hair was untidy.

Without really thinking about it, he started playing one of his favourite songs, singing along.

_And in my twisted face_  
><em>There's not the slightest trace<em>  
><em>Of anything that even hints of kindness<em>  
><em>And from my tortured shape<em>  
><em>No comfort no escape<em>  
><em>I see but deep within is utter blindness.<em>

He hated mirrors. They made him understand exactly _why_ people disliked him so much.

When he wasn't on meds and got angry he really looked like a psycho afterwards. Even Logan, looking at himself couldn't spot the slightest trace of _sanity_. And he hated himself.

But he _felt_. At least he could feel something.

Logan hated himself even more when he _was_ on meds.

He was sure he looked like a perfectly normal person when he took those damn pills. Even a nice one, probably. But he couldn't bear the numbness they caused, it was torture to him. He needed to _feel_.

_Hopeless_  
><em>As my dream dies<em>  
><em>As the time flies<em>  
><em>Love a lost illusion<em>

That's why Logan loved Kurt, right? Because Kurt made him feel, he made Logan feel even when he was on meds.

But Kurt loved Blaine and Logan knew he had to accept it if he wanted Kurt to be a part of his life. Kurt could never love him back, it was hopeless. It was a dream that could never be and Logan knew it.

He was starting to think love itself was nothing but a stupid illusion.

_Helpless_  
><em>Unforgiven<em>  
><em>Cold and driven<em>  
><em>To this sad conclusion<em>

And it probably really was a stupid illusion. Logan never found someone he could truly love and could love him back in his life. Maybe he should just give up, because love just didn't exist.

Logan knew it was a lie, though. Love _did_ exist. Some people found love. As much as it sickened him, Kurt and Blaine had found it. They were in love and even he could tell it was real.

It was probably all about Logan then, wasn't it? It was never about Kurt, or Blaine, or that second soloist.

It was always about him. No one could ever love him.

And Logan could not blame them for that. He was a jerk, and he knew that. He actually hated himself. And if even _Logan_ could not love Logan, then no one could, right?

But Julian did, at least according to Derek.

_No beauty could move me_  
><em>No goodness improve me<em>  
><em>No power on earth, if I can't love her<em>  
><em>No passion could reach me<em>  
><em>No lesson could teach me<em>  
><em>How I could have love her and made her love me too<em>  
><em>If I can't love her, then who<em>?

But Julian had always been his best friend. Even if he _did_ feel something for Logan - which Logan still doubted anyway - it didn't change anything, did it? Logan was not in love with Julian, he had never seen him _that_ way.

Well.

That was not completely true, was it? Julian was handsome, there was no denying that, and Logan had always found him _far_ more attractive than a best friend should. He could even remember having a little crush on him, back in freshman year, but he never let himself fall for him. Julian was his best friend and he was _straight_, meaning he could never return his feelings. But what if he could? What if Julian was bi and in love with Logan? Could Logan really take a chance on him?

Logan loved Kurt because he made him feel. But Julian made Logan feel too.

It was certainly not the same he felt with Kurt, but he _felt_. Even when he was on meds, Logan _felt_ with Julian beside him.

For the most part it was annoyance, but there was affection there too. Logan cared for Julian very deeply. And then there was that feeling... Logan could never name it, but it was intense and Logan had never felt it around anyone but Julian.

And Julian could be an annoying, self-centered diva, but he was a beautiful person and a great friend.

Logan knew all the things Julian had done to help him out with Blaine. Julian didn't even suspect Logan knew but he did and was deeply grateful. Logan wondered why he never told Julian how amazing he was. And now Julian was trying to help him get Kurt too.

And to think he might be doing all of this despite his feelings for Logan... well, that was really something grand and Logan knew not many people would have done the same.

Logan found himself thinking Julian was the most amazing person he could ever meet and if he couldn't love someone like _him_ then he probably could never truly love anyone at all.

Logan stood. Derek said he would be in his room. Meaning Julian would be alone and they could talk without anyone interrupting them. He headed for Julian's room. He needed to know the truth.

He didn't even bother to knock before opening the door.

_Long ago I should have seen_  
><em>All the things I could have been<em>  
><em>Careless and unthinking, I moved onward<em>

Julian was lying on his back, handsome as ever, staring at the ceiling. He hadn't notice Logan entering.

"Jules," said Logan, closing the door beside him and making Julian jump. "We need to talk."

Julian looked at Logan for a long moment.

"Really?" he said coolly, sitting up. "Well, I don't want to talk to you. Go away."

"No," refused Logan. He was going to have some answers.

"Listen I-"

"Are you in love with me?" Logan asked abruptly.

Julian looked taken aback.

"What...? I-I don't know what you're talking about," he said.

Logan didn't believe him.

"I honestly don't see how can you be such a successful actor, Larson," he said, a small smile twitching the corner of his mouth. "You're a terrible liar."

"I'm not lying!" Julian said, standing up and avoiding Logan's gaze.

Logan just stared at him for a moment, then walked right in front of him. He took Julian's chin and lifted it up, forcing Julian to look at him in the eyes.

And there it was, the answer he had been looking for.

_Amazing_, he thought. _Derek was right_.

Julian pulled away and turned his back to Logan.

"Satisfied?" he asked fiercely.

"I can't believe it," Logan said in amazement. "I can't believe I didn't see it."

Logan could have slapped himself. All those years and he never noticed. But it seemed so clear now... how could he _not_ notice?

If only he had known back in freshman year... if only he could go back in time and tell his younger self... well, maybe there would have been no Blaine, no Kurt, no heartbreaks... maybe he and Julian could have been happy all along.

But Julian said he was straight and Logan never even thought he could be lying... was it too late now? Or could Logan still look at Julian that way? Could he learn to love Julian the way Julian loved him?

_No pain could be deeper_  
><em>No life could be cheaper<em>  
><em>No point anymore, if I can't love her<em>  
><em>No spirit could win me<em>  
><em>No hope left within me<em>  
><em>Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free<em>  
><em>But it's not to be<em>  
><em>If I can't love her<em>  
><em>Let the world be done with me.<em>

"You can go now," Julian said, still looking away from Logan. "I really don't need you here."

Julian's words were filled with a pain so deep it hurt Logan. He never knew his friend - his _best_ friend - was hurting so much because of him.

He didn't know if he could love him, but he knew he couldn't bear seeing Julian that _broken_. He needed to help him out somehow.

Logan tentatively put his hand over Julian's shoulder.

"Jules," he said. "Please, look at me."

"No," Julian said. "What the hell are you still doing here, Logan?"

"You're my best friend. I'm not letting you down."

"Not letting me down?" Julian asked turning to face Logan. "Well, that would be a first, wouldn't it?"

Logan looked at him in the eyes and he realized in shock he was crying.

"You don't answer, do you Wright? Figures."

"Don't take it all on me!" protested Logan. "_You_ were the one not trusting me enough even to tell me you're bi."

"Straight, bi... what's it to you?" Julian asked. "Right, I'm bi, so what? It doesn't make any difference."

Logan could practically _hear_ Julian's heart breaking. And he couldn't stand it.

He didn't care what it would take, he would fix everything for Julian the way Julian had always tried to fix it for him.

He would make Julian happy.

He didn't love him, not yet... but he did _like_ him at the very least and he would try to make things work between them. Julian deserved this. Julian deserved happiness, he deserved a chance with Logan more than everyone in the whole world.

And maybe, just maybe, making Julian happy would make Logan happy too, eventually.

It shouldn't be hard learning to love someone as amazing as Julian.

Logan reached out for Julian's shoulder.

"But it does to me," he said.

Julian stared at Logan, completely astonished. What was he talking about?

"Jules, I don't want to lose you. I want to be completely honest with you. I don't love you, you've always been my best friend. I'll admit having a little crush on you back in freshman year, but you said you were _straight_ and even _I_ am not so stupid as to fall for someone who doesn't even like boys!" Julian made a face and it was clear he didn't agree, but Logan ignored him. "I don't love you, Jules, but I _do_ care for you. And I'll make this work... or at least, I'll try. It is only fair that I try."

"I don't want you to be with me because you feel _sorry_ for me," Julian said, trying shake Logan off of him, but Logan didn't let go. "Leave me alone."

"No."

"Logan Wright, go away _now_! You can shove your stupid _pity _in-"

"Don't you understand?" interrupted Logan. "It is _not_ pity! I _want_ to try and make this work! You _deserve_ to be happy and I want to make you happy! And I happen to believe you could make me very happy too!"

"What about your precious Hummel?" Julian asked, not really wanting to hear the answer. "You're in love with him."

"Kurt's with Blaine," Logan said. "He's not gonna leave him. And I already decided to give up on him anyway. Ask Derek, I told him this morning."

"But you still love _him_!" Julian snapped, on the edge of the tears again. "I don't want to be your damn consolation prize."

"Why can't you see?" Logan asked, gently cupping Julian's face in his hands. "You'd be so much more than that. You _are_ so much more than that. You're the _first_ prize, Jules."

"But _Kurt_-"

"Forget about Kurt. All I care about is _you_ now. And I really believe I can learn to love you... just give me a chance to do it. It'll take some time, but it'll be fine, I promise. Because... if I can't love someone like you-if I can't love _you_, well I obviously can't love at all. Hell Jules, you... I... I can't even begin to explain how amazing you are. You're a self-centered diva and you can be a real jerk sometimes... but you _can_ be kind of nice too, when you feel like it... and you're a great friend to me even when I don't deserve it, you've always taken good care of me... is it so wrong that _I_ want to be the one taking care of you for once?"

Julian stared in silence. He wanted Logan to do all the things he said he would... taking care of Julian, making him happy, falling in love with him eventually. Hell, Julian had been in love with Logan for _years_, he _craved_ for all those things.

But... but what if it didn't work? Julian couldn't bear another heartbreak. He couldn't stand losing Logan one more time.

Julian kept looking at Logan, still not knowing what to do.

Logan, however, seemed to know it just too well. Without waiting for Julian's answer, he leaned in and kissed him.

The moment their lips touched, Julian forgot all doubts, all hesitations and responded the kiss with as much enthusiasm as he could manage.

_Logan Wright was kissing him_. He wanted to make Julian happy, he wanted to make things work between them. He simply wanted _Julian_. And Julian had wanted him for so long he could not think of anything besides how incredibly, utterly happy he already was, just kissing Logan.

When they pulled apart, Julian could not manage to do anything but staring intently at Logan, not trying to hide his feelings anymore, just letting them flow.

Logan looked at him and smirked. "Guess I finally found a way to shut your mouth, didn't I Larson?"

"Well..." started Julian, looking mischievously at Logan. "I don't know, Wright. I mean, I don't think one little kiss will do. Actually, it will take _much_ more than that."

"I think I can figure out something..."

As he proceeded to kiss Julian one more time, Logan knew it was going to be all right. It was going to take some time, sure, but Julian was his best friend and they could find a way to make it work.

Logan was completely sure Julian was going to win him over. Julian was good for him, Julian could really make him happy. And Logan was going to love Julian like Julian loved him someday. Maybe sooner than they'd both expect. In fact, he was probably starting to fall in that exact moment.

Logan smiled as he kept kissing Julian, holding him into his arms, Kurt Hummel's face slowly fading away.

**A/N**  
>Hey there!<br>Well... yeah, I know this is probably not very good... but I could not avoid writing something about Julian and Logan... I love them. Well, actually I love everyone in the Dalton!verse. Especially Reed.  
>Ok, so... what can I say? I'd really like to know what you all think about this, 'cause it's my first Jogan and my first story in English (I wish English was my first language, but sadly it is not.)... I do hope there are not too many horrible grammarspelling mistakes... and that the fanfic does not totally suck.  
>Review, if you feel like it, and if you don't... well, thanks anyway for reading!:)<br>Hugs&Butterfly Kisses  
>PurpleSummer<p> 


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